2.6.14

Another Lapse, Lapse 3


          Hello again, I know I've repeatly said this but here I go ....sorry for the lack of posts :')
Lot things happen in my life, I'm not going to tell about it but I'll telling 'you', or you all reader about such an open letter hahaha kidding. Anyone who has read >  Hakuna Matata , Painting Flowers , Lapse , Lapse 2

will get a clue about what I'm going to say. Just enjoy it :)
I just won't to be such coward person to write something where I look like the right person and other people look wrong, so a lil bit long post won't hurt yay! =>

          My last lapse-post posted about 11 months ago. And after that post, everything didn't just stop at the moment. I mean, it still continues...
He came, we started our communication again, we close-not so-close again. It all goes naturally, like usual. Of course it happened after he was *well I don't know, maybe* close with someone. -I guess-
AND YES
That 'someone' is his friend, but somehow everytime I fight with him, he flirty-flirt to her ....and the other ones.
I asked him why he did that and he answer:
 "No... nothing."
 "Do you love her or what? really that's okay boy."
 "No."
And I'm a little unsure about his answer, how could they look so close in text, even having a special name and he said nothing. But I don't care :)

          I wasn't able to hold to look into his eyes when we meet. I've never seen his emptiness-eyes when he looked at me. So I conclude that 'there must be something, he love her or he back to his ex-girlfriend or what'. Until the point I knew that he is close with her, and there's his bestfriend who said that he should stay away from me and chase 'her'.
I just laughed at how his bestfriend give such ...advice :)
He back to his uni and months later he coming back home.

       We still close and get closer and closer.
Once I'm make sure is he really love her or not, just make sure. He said he did such a thing because he doesn't know what to do, only for impingement.
Then I told (and warn) him if someday we both are fighting, don't do anything like that again. Flirt to her, his ex or whatever. We better fix our problem together because I'm not interesting with something like that. I prefer to keep silent if he doing like that again.
Ugh sorry maybe you are confused, we aren't in relationship but ....that close. Back again that's only a warn, if someday ;)

       One night while in the car on our way to hospital (his mom was sick), we were talk-non-stop, ask about everything to each other and telling the truth. He suddenly turn the radio vol-down, and asked "Will you be my lover, again?"
I laughed. "hmmmmm.." 
"Really, will you?"
"...tell me why I should?"
"I've tried to looking for other girl, but I can't."
"Why don't you try with other people huh?"
"I have had. But my heart can't."
"With some kind of promise, no?"
"I told you in the first line."
"Okay. Promise me."
We are dating again. As a lover. 

-PS: I wrote the convos below with playing a video. I record while he saying that :'p

         Well since he expressed his seriousness of our relationship, everything feels different. Not because when he asked me to dine with his dad for the very first time, not because when he asked me to wait his mother at hospital when he take a bath, not because when he asked me to buy a birthday gift for his niece with his family, not because he began to introduce me to his big-fam and others, -but because I feel that he really meant it :')
You know, there are some things you just can't explain with words. That is.

       First month, second month, third month .....I'm not sure what problem that we had that day but I still remember that he texting again with 'her'. If I'm not wrong, the day after he told his bestfriend about our problem, about what he feels and his bestfriend gave him suggest to ....stay away from me and try to go to meet 'her' in her town. Such a great advide tho? :))
I used to be a type of person who is not easy to convey what I wanted to say, mostly. I'm going to keep silent first, thinking and say it straight. And I'm going to tell him something because I don't stay 'prestige' but I won't look that cheesy too, so I sent him an email after he left from my home, about 1 a.m.

Me: 
Hi mbuli,
It's 1 am in the morning tepat km lagi mampir di pom buat bobo & aku nulis ini. Hihi it's not even a love letter no, a big no :'D

Aku pengen banget denger penjelasan mbuli tentang gimana sih mbuli memaknai ketulusan, keyakinan & sepenuh hati?

Dan butuh waktu berapa kali untuk mengucap itu buat aku dan kamupun bisa bener" memaknainya atau mengubah makna dari sebelumya gimana mbuli memaknai kata itu. Tau kan yaa, kita uda jalan tahun ketiga bareng bareng trs. Dalam keadaan berpacaran atau ngga berpacaran. Dan aku tau waktu yang belum berumur itu blum bisa bikin kita bener bener saling kenal luar dalam secara total. Tapi aku yakin mbuli ngga sebegitu cueknya untuk ngga mengenal aku. Aku percaya mbuli udah tau aku, ngga cuma plus aja tapi minus dll. Itulah mbuli aku penasaran kenapa pas mbuli ucap kata yakin untuk pertama kali (yg aku tau itu serius) 24 desember 2013 itu justru terlihat doubt ketika dipertaruhin. Ini tentang problem kita kemarin ay, maaf aku ungkit lagi karna aku kira ini belum bener bener clear.


Maaf ay ada beberapa hal yg bener bener aku pengen tanyain ..
-Kenapa mbuli setiap ada problem sama aku, ketika kita berdua down di fase yg sangat low. Mbuli selalu cari seseorang untuk cerita. Bukan cerita yang aku tanyakan tapi, terlihat gimana mbuli cerita (mostly ke cewe) itu selalu mencari pembelaan diri, bukan di inti cerita dan minta opinion, second opinion, third opinion and others.

Aku ngga bilang kaya gini secara klise mbuli tapi aku melihat dari beberapa orang yg pernah jd target km cerita.

Mbuli ucap kata yakin dengan masih mengingat . yah? :)
Karna baru ada masalah ini mbuli (kayanya) memastikan kalo aku the wrong one, pilihan yang salah dan regret kenapa ngga coba .dia. Sorry to say.

Aku tau ay semua orang butuh share, semua orang butuh di denger. Tapi kalau itu problem hubungan antara kita dan sebenernya kita bisa selesein sendiri, kenapa ngga kita coba? Atau at least kita selektif pilih orang yg kita curhatin, apa dia netral di kita apa dia suka pasangan kita, apa dia suka sama hubungan kita, kaya gitu. Dan orang nggatau detil permasalahan karna bukan mereka yg nglewatin ay tapi kita. Jadi bahaya ngawur salah ngasih opini dan suggestion.
Disamping itu bole la cerita tp cobalah untuk tidak menjelekkan pasangan apalagi di depan orang yang tdk mendukung pasanganmu.

Masih banyak yg pengen ak omongin ay dan masih banyak yg pengen ak passes sama km.
Komitmen itu bukan untuk ditinggalkan ketika sedang diuji. Pengorbanan dan hal lain memang harus terjadi saat kita memilih untuk bersam seseorang. Bukan untuk diperhitungkan, tapi memang seharusnya dilakukan.

Awal fase pasti yg kelihat bagusnya, indahnya, serunya dll. Di tengah dan lama lama kelihat semua. Itu manusiawi mbuli sungguh, jangan membandingkan. Setiap orang punya good side and bad side mereka masing masing.

Ini dulu hihi love love :)

Love you dear,
*warmhugs*


Him:

Ini udah kayak surat tagihan pajak aja ya ay haha *bercanda*
Aku njawab pertanyaanmu yang pertama dulu ya ay...
Mungkin aku cerita ke orang lain karena aku orangnya panik mesti kalo ada suatu masalah terutama masalah sama kamu ay ,jadi buat ngalihin emosiku pas ada masalah sama kamu aku mesti cerita ke orang lain ya buat pengalih perhatian ,tp akunya mungkin malah jadi minta opini
bentar ya aku mau berangkat ke solo dulu :* ntar lanjut




And it's done. We are fine then.

          A month later I went to Jakarta with my family to meet my sister who works there, and as you know (definitely) I want to meet him.. too. My sister asked him to stay there and we have planned to visit some places together. I bet you all know how happy I am, right? :D Morning before my flight he still text me to say take care-see you-thingy.
I arrived there and immediately send him a text, he still class so I wait.
I always gave him news where I go, asked him to meet me to the mall but he wasn't look excited. My sister keep asking where's him where's him until I got tired to hear that."He is just woke up." -I said.
My dad even said to wait for him before we looking for dine so he could join us. But he didn't respond my text properly so I just said that he can't go.
We back to our hotel. I intended to search coffeeshop'address through twitter, but what I found was the other thing. He's tweeting :)
And I just didn't get WHY he mention every-girl saying that he's lonely bla bla bla rather than reply my text.... oh and reply, asking his ex to  meet and....... I blew up! :)

          I was really tired and of course, mad. But I still tried to reply his text. Maybe he feel that my text a bit different, don't care or what... He didn't feel something wrong really? REALLY? he didn't reply my text then. Until the last day I was there, he doesn't text me, or call me. And I know that he's okay, he's go out with his friends.
Before I sleep, I sent him some texts to ask why he act like that? -No respond-
The next day, I'm home.

5 days later he chat me, sent me The Scientist-Coldplay lyric and then:

"Thankyou for singing, it mean singing. I guess." I answered
"You meant it anyway. Let's break up."
"Okay."
"Why your head is full of break up when we fight like this?
 I wasn't looking for you yesterday cause I don't feel good to you" He asked, and I'm getting confused.

          that's our chat (shortly), like that. He didn't explain the exact reason why he doesn't feel good for me, instead blaming himself like always. His words confusing me, I still blew up with everything he said. Why don't he say sorry or anything. But ....I can't explain again, really.
He said let's break up and his other chat said we aren't break up, etc.
I just tried to hold on, hold my anger. I give him a little space a little time to think clearly.
But then I found him tweeting like nothing happened, start to flirt again with 'her', his ex and others.
I didn't get any point from that so I just shut up.
         And more I didn't get any point of his feeling become his status updates on social media. I still remember how he said that if we are fighting let's fix together, both of us only, no other people because it's our problem.
I just want to see how far he keep his words.

        I started to show up on social media too, in order so he knows that I'm still alive so he could contact me and explain everything. He didn't do anything but flirt, post 9gag-sad-picture. So, what I supposed to do with that?
"Be mature big boy please" -my brain said- :')
Nothing is change from him, I cried.

         A month later, he still act like that. No effort but tweeting with .....'her' again, his EX whatever ....others
I just think positive. Maybe that's he really wants.
----
        Until I knew he made another social media account. And posted something that broke my heart indeed.
I don't want to analyze his path-post really. You or he will get some points from my post here. And please correct if I'm wrong. I'm guessing you will say that you wait me to contact you first, but I don't, I purposely, I want to see your effort, your prestige.
It's not that I'm not open to you, not talkative etc but I shut up with your act dear big boy. If you used really want brings this relationship to a serious level, I guesss you shouldn't act like a baby. Who will happy to be treat like ....hell sorry? You said you will go work after graduation, right? I guess there will be no time for that drama :')
I treat you like you are mine, but please don't treat me like I'm your mood-dolls :)
If you didn't feel me again, I didn't see your effort as a man.
Maybe all can be fixed if you not used to act like that
----

        Last thursday I had lunch with dad, mom and sister. My sister joke me why I broke up when he want serious with me. That's when my mom know and asked me why and forced me why. "Really sweety you been there for 3 years, mom thought you both getting serious. I guess just because a simple prob. You must tell mom about that."
 I told mom then, everything. She blame me too first but then she gave an incredible advice :')
I decided asked him to meet before he back to uni but-he just won't. I just want to explain (more than) what I wrote here. But maybe now he will know that.

        You know, I keep myself to re-reading my last one, him- as long as three years. That wasn't short or long time too to understand each other. Much thing changes, he is a better person now but yaaa there is some things that still attached on him too and he even can't deal with that sometimes.
Still lot I want to say but I think it's enough now, here.
Much love.
Let's explore the world now, for our best.
 I just believe if something is destined for me, never in million time will it be for somebody else.











 Good nite!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------¬
 "At some point, you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What's truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be"
 "We met at the wrong time. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we'll meet in far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot."
"Relationship is harder now because feelings become status updates."
"Sometimes it's not the butterflies that tell you you're in love. But the pain."
"If he is not going hard for you it means you are not truly what he wants. Wants."
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1.5.14

Ghost Stories


     "So what Ghost Stories means to me is like.. you've got to open yourself up to love and if you really do, of course it will be painful at times, but then it will be great at some point." - Chris Martin


      There are also a few words from Chris about his divorcement (they didn't use 'divorce' but uncon.. oh I forgot) with Gwyneth Paltrow that really made me cry, I'm sure he is restrain not to cry when he said that words :')
Still looking for the last part of this interview anyway.



31.1.14

Hazy in 25°C



    A cup of hot tea this morning feels so warm.
Wearing knitwear is a perfect answer for this time, especially for me because I really love any knitted things.
So wear your favorite sweater (knitted one, I recommend) and combine it with rolled-up skinny jeans for casual look, or midi flare skirt for vintage look. And please to put on something on your head. My choice is this simple sunflower headband. See how the flowers seem to grow on my head hihihi.





Good morning there,
Fegha Fannissa.

Purptheme


     A gloomy morning but no for dress up!

Payless hat, Mom's blouse (reconstructed), thrifted pleated skirt, Grandma's bag, unbranded flat.